And He was gone... the loss of my baby

Honoring LIFE from the mother's womb... from a woman's heart!

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Contact me: Lydia@simplenatural.org

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Transcript

I have been aware of the fertility signals that my body gives because I learned my fertility
since I was 20 years old, through the Billings Ovulation Method®.

I remember when we had our first baby, he was like a year,  just past a year old. My husband and I just thought that he looked too lonely. Contrary to what the majority of the people or family we knew, they were trying to space children not to have them  close together, for us, what we wanted  -why not? to give him a sibling --to our first son.
We tried to achieved pregnancy with The Billings Ovulation Method® and it happened in the first try. Very very effective or achieving pregnancy. I remember calling my mother and I said: Mom, I am expecting again!  And she said Wow! really? and how far are you? and I said, I am about a week pregnant. and she was a little bit confused! how can you know that you are a week pregnant? Right? I mean, what are you thinking!? In me I knew that I was already pregnant because I have seen for many months, the signs of fertility very very clear and the signs of ovulation.
Trying to achieve pregnancy for a couple that is young and in their twenties is relatively fast! Specially when I never used any kind of contraceptives, and the first time, I got pregnant right away. There did not seem to be any condition for not getting pregnant. I remember calling my sister and also telling them, and so they were kind of like ha, how interesting! And obviously my menstruation did not arrive, of course. So what do I do? just take a pregnancy test just to make sure, just to have that little confirmation, like OK, this is it, Yes!

So, the reason why I am just telling you about this wonderful way  that I  knew that, I was pregnant is  just soo in tune with my body.  And I was able to conceive right away. The baby was born with  no complications and healthy. And I am very thankful for that.

So, I'm just going to come bak to a time 10 years ago.

I just felt different, I was at home, I felt different like warm, I did not really have a fever. I just felt different so, being a Sunday; I had my friends, he is a doctor and she is in the medical profession as well. I just drove to their home, I just went to their home and  they were surprised to see me because I did not announced myself. And then I said: you know what? I don't feel very ok. Maybe my blood pressure is a little bit high. And he said oh, ok, just sit down, you girls just go ahead and chat I'll come back in a little bit. A few minutes latter, he comes and  he is just looking at us. My dear friend, (his wife and me), just chatting.
A few minutes after that, instead of what I thought that he was to do (take my blood pressure) he just tells me, we are going to need a urine sample -ok?
I just did that and then in a few minutes after.  He comes in,  she comes and she says:
You are pregnant!  and I was like Wow, wow and I remember her just hugging me with a big hug! and I was just like Wow -I was glad! Wow! ok! because again I haven't even missed a period.

The very next day I called the doctor and he actually saw me the same day and yeah, they confirmed that I was pregnant. I was like ok, wonderful! but ah...


Ah... A couple of months ago I was...  I just decided to request medical records from years ago. they said they will be ready in a couple of weeks. I said ok., If we have them because it's been... anything that has been over ten years sometimes we don't even have the information anymore.
So I said, ok I'll wait for your call. 3 weeks latter they called me and said they had my medical records. I went to pick them up. They give me an envelope - I open it and what I read is like what?
Is it my medical records? (I asked the lady )
Yes, let me see, it was a surgery (she said).
-A surgery?
I handle her the documents and she asked me again for my ID, my identification card. And she is like yeah this is your medical records.
-Ah I see!
So I open the envelop and the first thing I read is the reason why I was in the hospital. The diagnosis is: A blighted ovum. A blighted ovum  is a baby that just does not developed when there is conception but, no embryo forms. So I, I just read that and I'm just so confused. And I...
-Is something wrong?  (she asked).
-And I said, well,  is because  here the diagnosis is: a blighted ovum. The reason why I was here in the hospital is because my baby died in the womb.
-Oh, she looked at me and she said: I'm sorry.
-Ove here it says: a blighted ovum,  do you know what that is? (I asked her).
-No.
- And I said: well,  a blighted ovum is a pregnancy that just does not develop, the embryo never forms, does not form. However, I had a baby in my womb! She ah,  seems concerned and I was just... Thank you and I take off.
And I am like in a shock and I know, this diagnosis is wrong! Later on, when I'm home, I am ready to pen the envelop again, yes! what is what I read? the same! is handwritten records from the operating room and  the typed official documents it reads the same:The reason why I was there is because I had a procedure called D & C. It is done after the loss of a pregnancy but in this case it was to remove the blighted ovum.  But no, what I had I was a baby and It was 13 and a half weeks. It was a fetus actually! Well, the information was wrong and even though the doctor performing the surgery was my own doctor, it was wrong.
Unfortunately, a couple of years after that, he closed his practice and  I don't think I have a way to request records from his office because It's not longer there.
But what I do have is  the picture of my baby. And I remember seeing not only the particular movement of the heart beating but, I also heard his heartbeat.
A blighted ovum is the cells, male and female, united but then it does not develop. My baby did, was formed and at this stage of pregnancy,  13.5 weeks, he is formed; his toes, his hands, there is function in the kidneys and other things happening. I really wanted to know what had happened because there was something inside of me telling me -You need to know why you lost that baby!

You know? through this. ministry, my labor with women and with couples that have lost babies. I know how difficult it is! I have seen couples that have lost more than one baby, more than one pregnancy and it is difficult! it is! It is a loss that can't be filled with anything!  I guess there is not a good way of handling the death of somebody, specially of a baby in the womb but...
At least 25 % of women have lost a baby in their life time.  However, many don't know because they did not knew that they were pregnant when the losses happen very early on. But, when we  are very in tune with our bodies we are able to know!

I had been at the doctor's the previous day and he had said, everything is normal, everything is fine. He has a good heart beat. I went home and I did my normal routines.
Next morning... we had a guest, my dear Tere, she was home with us. And after sending the kids to school, and driving them to school, she and I having breakfast mid morning, around 10 am. I am drinking my tea, having a chat with her and then suddenly I just feel different. It was just a moment that I felt different, I don't know how to explain it. I did not have pain, I did not get dizzy, I just don't know how to explain it. I just felt that something was just different. Immediately, what came to my mind was just to call the doctor, my gynecologist's office. I told them -I just don't feel ok and that I needed to be checked. They told me: come right away so, I went. When I arrived, the nurse practitioner checked my blood pressure, was a little bit high. she did an ultrasound. She was doing the ultrasound and she says, ok, I'll be back in a moment.  She comes back with the doctor. And the doctor is also doing the ultrasound . they did not say anything, I am just there without saying anything. and then, they said -can't find the baby's heart beat, that the baby's heart beat isn't there. They just needed to double check and to do other testing. And at that moment I was just taken somewhere! because I has just seen and heard my baby's heart beating the previous day and then, it was not there anymore.  But I trusted and I said that I did n to wanted to be over worried and as much as I was able, just to be calm and:
- What does it mean?
-Well, we are just going to check you up tomorrow, we are going to draw blood from you and do some hormonal testing, and the next day and then the next.  And he told me that It had to do with these levels of the hormone Hcg,  and  the other ultrasound also confirmed that there was not a heart beat. So I was just devastates because ah, the first thing I thought -What did I do? Why is the baby dead? Did I do something?   And ah,  I remember just being really sad.
My husband has been out of town and he was to arrive in a few days after the initial diagnosis. I just go home and I tell my dear Tere that the doctor said that the baby does not have a heart beat. She was so concerned and so worried.
I knew that I had options. I told the doctor, well because I have known that,  sometimes when the baby dies in the womb, sometimes the proces of the baby leaving the womb can happen on its own. And that,  is one thing that doctors don't tell us. Usually when the death of a baby in the womb what they recommend is to have a D&C, which is dilating and cutting inside the lining of the uterus so the remainders of the baby and the placenta.
I told the doctor that I wanted to wait.  I asked him: Is there any health concern that you would have or a reason for me not to wait to see if it happens naturally. He said -No,  that I was healthy otherwise  and that it was ok, that it was my decision, so I did. 
Two days after that, my husband arrives from, he was out of town. I just decided that mid morning when he was home, I was just going to let him know that  the baby was not here anymore.  And, he had a very important meeting in the morning, when he took off to his meeting, I took off to the doctor; I had made an appointment and I wanted to, since the process had not began naturally, that I wanted to be in the hospital and he could do the D&C so. They scheduled me and when I was already with the doctor, getting the documentations necessary for me to be admitted into the hospital. I called my husband: whenever you are done with your meeting, will you come  to the doctors'? Im going to be here. And that's when I told him.
You know?  he had been out of town for weeks. It was the first time that he was to see the baby's ultrasound picture, because I wanted it to be just a wonderful little thing  that I would  give him but; whoever, I just gave him the news... what had happened and...

I am, we are in the hospital and just signed in and give all the information, insurance and everything. When I open my wallet to give my ID, identification card,  the picture of my baby in the ultrasound just falls; It was just so sad, you know?

So... there is something very interesting that happened here. With all this loss that we were having  and, nobody really said -I am  sorry for your loss. And my husband and I are just looking at each other. It was just the first time that I just could cry. and I still did not want anybody to see me.
So,  there comes the doctor and he says: since you are going to be already in surgery, would you like to have a tubal ligation (a sterilization) so you don't have... -so this does not happen to you anymore. I looked at him and I could not believed that he was saying that. That there would not be a possibility of me of being a mother again. I looked at him and I said -No! He looked at my husband and he says: Sir, I think you need to do something because if this happens to her again.. My husband just looked at him and said: don't worry I'll, we'll take care of all of that. and then he took off.
A few minutes latter, one of the nurses comes and she also says: I have this papers, you want to give us permission to do a sterilization?!
I just could not get it! I mean , I am here! I have a dead baby in my womb! and there is this persons, that are medical personnel that are to care for you, telling you -Cut it off!!!  let's cut off your fertility!! and I said -No, It's fine -No! I'm not gonna sign them.
They take me and before she open the doors to the  surgical room; she gets close to me and she tells me in my ear:  Now you can make a decision, your husband is not here anymore. you can decide if you want the surgery. I just looked at her and I remember crying, I just felt my tears, and I said: -No! and I did not sign anything.

I got the procedure done and, what I did not know  has followed me for a long time is that, I could have requested my baby. And I did not know that I could so I didn't. My baby was just removed from me and I was not able to have his little body.
I knew when my baby was conceived. I know that my baby was 13.5 weeks.
You know? give or take two weeks. That is the difference that it makes in the weeks of pregnancy that the doctors  give you because they usually consider your last menstrual cycle. And then they start counting how many weeks you are pregnant but, really, by the time you miss your menstrual cycle ---it is a person! that exists already, since the beginning that the egg and sperm join. And then, implantation happens in the lining of the uterus; it takes 6 to 7 days for the new baby -blastocyst, to reach the lining of the uterus and implant. And implantation is complete 9 to 12 days after conception. so, I knew, even if it was off for two weeks; still, the document said: 7 to 8 weeks gestation.

So, what worries me is a couple of things, you know? What is that they put in our medical records?
I remember this lady, she had history of long menstrual cycles. when it was longer that usual, that the menstrual cycle did not come, she goes to the doctor and they do a pregnancy test; it is positive. The doctor said to come back in two weeks to do an ultrasound. Then, they do the ultrasound and said: The baby is not developing the way is suppose to be, the baby is not developing according to the gestational age.
If a woman has a menstrual cycle of let's say, 50 days  that means that 11 to 16 days before that she ovulated. When a woman has a menstrual cycle of about 30 days, she, the same, ovulated 11 to 16 days  before that 30th day. Therefore, this baby's lady was younger than what the doctor was saying. No! the doctor was considering the last menstrual cycle this woman had. And he said: the baby is not developing normally.
Why am I doing this? why am I feeling like this she said, she told me. the doctor scheduled me right away to have a D&C.
They did not even tested her hormones! The next day, she has a D&C. And she told me that she felt that they had taken something from her. When she learned about fertility and the signs of fertility and that she wasn't  really ovulating on day 14 after her menstrual cycle like  many doctors may just say.
but, 11 to 16 days before those 45 days or 48 days that she usually had her periods.
She told me: do you think that maybe my  baby was just no those many weeks that the doctor said?  And I said well, we will never know for sure but there is a possibility. And she said: because I felt that it was like something was taken from me, snatched from my body! from my whole being!
So she and I have, as I have share with many women, the pain and the lose of a son or a daughter that is not with us. And that is what I told to myself: that their life with us is determined by God for some reason, some are with us a couple of days, others are with us a few months. And there is moms who lost the babies right before giving birth.
And I just wanted tell all of you, if this had happened to you that -I am so sorry! that I know and I understand!
And that in my case, after that, every baby that I would see, for years, I would see babies and I would just imagine that was mine. I would, ah,  is like if my body missed having this baby. The baby that I did not get to nurse, did not get to carry, sleep with! sometimes I would imagine that I heard his little feet walking  around the house.

And  I just want to say to all of you that I do know, and that I do understand! and I am so sorry but, I also know that this babies are well!  Because I do believe in God!

So, you know? I really have something to say on regards of what the doctor and the nurse insisted on my, that day of the procedure ah. they just wanted me to have a sterilization.  Through this labor that I do, I have seen many times, specially  women that when they had a  difficult delivery, or that they are sick, or when their babies are not born healthy or,  when their babies have issues, babies are born early before the due date. The doctors are telling them that they should do a sterilization. And, women have told me that they regret it. We need to be just... to very aware, and to be assertive, and to be empowering one another; with the knowledge of our bodies,  with the knowledge of fertility and the knowledge of LIFE!

And what is the right words to say when there is a baby that for everybody else, they did not even know that was here? He was 13.5 weeks and today I honor him. and I honor all the babies that are not with us, that are not with you moms!

I send you a big hug, be well!